So now it appears that I’m taking up space. I need to
remind myself at the beginning of this piece that I won’t begin by apologising
or playing the victim.
Explanations of my difficulty will come later.
I didn’t realise that voicing out when something unjust
had been done to me meant that people had to choose between me and another,
subconsciously.
Standing my ground
doesn’t mean that people need to be put out.
That is their reaction and nothing to do with me.
I have found more recently that it does bother people
if I
state my opinion,
or if I choose not to do something they wanted me to,
or hold my state of decision
and verbalise
it in my reasoning of not following in line
yea voicing my opinion
standing up
for me
bothers people if I address them directly in my attempt to develop or want to start projects or need to know information to start projects
or want to connect with people in order to create a moment
or become inspired by others.
It might be that I haven’t understood the hierarchy...
or that I don’t belong.
Actually, I know ... that I don’t belong.
It might be that I didn’t understand the system and
know that it is not my place to approach others in a space that is not mine. But
now that I live here, I must make it mine. Otherwise, I can’t live here. But maybe
that’s what they want or don’t care about.
But I have to live it.
Every once in a while, I get excited about community
and I want to write about it but when I get the moment to write about it, it comes
out all wrong. I end up expressing all the difficulties I have had in fitting in.
In being accepted.
I see the things that happen in community here and I have come to realise
that it is taken from a place of privilege in itself. Only those who have a
certain standing in this region may participate or perform. In order to create own space, one needs to push and push and push and then seem friendly and
unassuming. This is a difficult position to be in because unless one sells
their value here, they will remain unseen: invisible. However, it is an
undesirable trait, especially in Finland to sell oneself! In fact, it is
commonly known that one must never blow one’s own horn.
A previous managing director I worked with in Eastern Finland who, did not know my worth, had never had the information of my experience or qualification passed on to her, and after several years of knowing me she told me I was too modest. This was untrue however; I had notified the people who needed to know within the organisation. So, once the director signed me up for a contract, I was severely underpaid. I did not speak up because I felt I should know that I was lucky to get a job in Finland anyway and as a foreigner, I should just know my place.
Now, I suspect my experience and qualifications was not
communicated from section to section within the organisation, but more importantly,
it wasn’t deemed insignificant. The irony is, is that qualifications (Finnish only) are required by most all employers here. As a result, my sense of
self worth dropped and my direct supervisor who knew no better, thought I was only worth minimum wage. Never mind that I had been the manager of two academic libraries in Australia. By the end of my contract, the organisation had
come to an agreement with the Employment bureau that my position would be shared out among
the unemployed (at a cost of 9€ per day) and I subsequently lost a chance at
the next contract on minimum wage, and more of my self-worth. At this point I could look at it differently and say: isn't it a benefit to the greater good to also get a chance at job training in Finland? Or is it efficiency at i's most in-human?
There’s a saying in Australia that goes: ”dry your eyes
princess”. It means that - as you are in a privileged position, you don't deserve to feel wronged as you have a good life anyway. And I need to realise that I was lucky to get the chance in the
first place. Finland does have a lot of soul searching to do in terms of
bureaucracy taking over the process of integration & not being able to see
the value of skilled labour but at the same time: I do have the same value as
anyone else in this world and this loss of position only hit me so badly because
I am used to coming from a place of privilege in the workforce – in this case –
in the workplace.
I read a most cleverly written article today on "Autoethnography of Generative Shadow Work" in Astra: kultur, samhälle, feminism: which stated how integration courses cemented a pre-determined construct on migrants who had no choice but fall into their assumed roles. The writer Ioana Tistea discussed the place of the educated foreigner as a position of privilege in an integration course they were a participant in, and this resonated with me. It was confrontational, as I was an assistant in an integration program (a place of privilege). After the course completed, the challenges I have had in adapting perhaps was all the more shocking as I had not expected it or dealt with it before. Those in underprivileged positions have been dealing with it all their lives.
So now I find myself in the position of understanding how unjust societies can be. And this places me in no better position to speak out against it. One is simply not welcome here.
I find myself unaccepted in society and am bitter about it. I resent how difficult integration is and wish Finns would learn how to accept and adapt to the changing world. Sometimes, on strong days I rise above the rigidity. But in reality, this has probably made my ability to assimilate more difficult, perhaps.
I push hard in the times where I am between contracts and find it difficult to shift my thinking and accept that this is the status quo. I am no longer the quirky cheeky little upstart who has the world at her feet, but I refuse to accept what feels is being thrust upon me as - the hopeless unnecessary female with no future either. What I have to remember is that I am partially employed (which is a huge success for foreigners in Finland), on a couple of boards, active in professional projects, have my own side business, able to write and perform (mostly online in the UK as I live in an isolated location), with strong insight into many societies. This is still a privileged position. My demands on me are high because of the definition of success I grew up in where job title and salary are paramount.
Respected by many and not by some, more importantly: I am not respected by me on the low days but deserve to be on all the days. How to find that middle place. How to rest with me being me... and not push. Where is my value?
My value is becoming known to me on my stronger days where i state my place and ask awkward questions and show up, but unfortunately this is the me that some people would rather see less of and I'm afraid, I can't do that, otherwise I would surely shrivel up and disappear and lucky for me there are people who love me, my children who love and rely on me, so I can't.
Reference:
Tistea, I (2021) Autoethnography of Generative Shadow Work". "Astra: Migration 4".